Everyone’s experience of motherhood is different and what follows are just a few of the lessons that really stood out for me.
1. First up, just because you’re already a mum, you absolutely should NOT be expected to know how to handle everything when it comes to two! (and anyone that tells you “you’re fine, you’ve done this before”, feel free to educate!) Your second baby is a totally different person to your first and may not necessarily feed or sleep or “just be” in the same way that your first-born did. Also, you as mom, will be facing a totally new and different set of challenges from those that you did first-time around. It’s not that the challenges are more difficult. Just different (dividing your attention, dealing with emotional toddlers that probably still want your undivided attention, readjusting your expectations, all the while you are sleep deprived). So, give yourself time and grace to get things “wrong”, learn, adapt and grow as a mum of two.
2. Let’s talk about Jealousy. I learnt 2 important things about this after Eli’s arrival. 1. You can never truly prepare your first-born for what it will be like. Why? Because preparing a child’s mind for this is entirely different to how they will actually experience it and the complicated, messy emotions that come with that. Often (with very good intentions) we read stories about mummy having a baby, we role play, we get them involved in the “baby equipment” set up; we may even bring them along to ultrasound appointments to meet their new sibling. Now I’m not saying don’t do this. All of these things are helpful to gradually introduce the idea of a new baby. What I am saying is, the reality once baby is here will still be different and likely difficult. I believe a child needs to express and wholly feel their feelings before they are able to adjust to the new family dynamics and their new role in the family. Only by going through this, they can process it and move forwards….and that brings me to the 2nd thing I learnt..jealously does not always play out in an obvious direct way. I had expected Sira to want to be on my lap all the time, perhaps be a little aggressive with Eli. That sort of thing. We actually didn’t have anything like that. It was far more subtle in the form of night-time wakings, toilet accidents etc. So, expect the unexpected. It’s also helpful to be prepared for jealousy to ebb and flow. With Sira and Eli there wasn’t a clearly defined period of jealousy or a start and stop point if you like. Some days things were fine, others days not. Jealousy was scattered here and there in various unexpected moments that gradually, over time got less and less. Although, let’s be honest, even now, 2.5 years later, there are occasional moments where one is still jealous of the other!
3. Get used to saying “Yes” to help. I was a little (ok, a lot!) stubborn as a first time mom. I wanted to prove to myself that I had it all under control and tried to do everything myself. But when there are two little people in the mix (at least one of whom is attached to you 24/7), you quickly learn that with only one pair of hands it’s not possible to be everywhere at once. So yes to help with your eldest, yes to help with your youngest, yes to help cooking, laundry, whatever you need. People stop asking after a while, so say yes whilst you still have the opportunity!
4. Your new best friends become basically anyone with more than one child. There’s nothing like the understanding and empathy of another parent with siblings. They get what you’re going through. The chaos, the noise, the mess, the general unpredictability of life. They don’t mind when you cancel plans at the last minute. They don’t judge you for letting your eldest eat snacks off the floor because you’re frankly just too tired to take another battle on. They are experts at having stop/start conversations that may take half an hour to complete, whilst you tend to the needs of several kids. And of course, there’s the added bonus that your children might even be able to “play” together at some point and give you the rare chance of an adult to adult conversation!
5. No blog of mine would be complete without mention of sleep! And if there’s one thing I learnt the hard way, it’s address any sleep challenges now, before you are outnumbered by little people! I know pregnancy second time around is hard. You are exhausted but life with a newborn is exponentially easier when your eldest sleeps well. Sleep doesn’t need to be perfect but if there are things you can change now to help improve your eldest child’s sleep patterns, do it. Get in touch if you want to chat more about where to start.
6. If you know that you are a bit of a perfectionist, start thinking about where and how you can lower your expectations. Let me explain.. As a first time mom, Sira absolutely consumed every minute of my day. Fast forward to Eli’s arrival and things were 180 degrees different. It was not the newborn that filled my day! With 2 little people (and the start of Covid lockdown!) Eli sadly didn’t have the luxury of undivided attention. Sure, we had our share of time together, (mostly feeding!) but around that I was spending as much time as possible with Sira who had also just experienced the biggest change in her life to date, as well managing our home and all the other things parents juggle for life to tick along. So, I had to readjust my expectations and I found that things that I cared about first time around became less of a priority second time simply because I had limited time. It was around then that I had to get more ok with a messy home, pajama days, Sira watching some TV and ordering in food when we were just too tired to cook. And when I look back there were actually some big positives that came out of this! We noticed that when we backed off a little on the attention-front, Sira became a lot more comfortable playing independently and creatively. So it’s not all bad! In the throes of a second child, good (or sometimes just ok) is good enough.
7. And this brings me to the last point..the mum guilt! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but be prepared for it and don’t let it consume you like I did. It started right from the get-go in hospital, which was the first time in 3 years I had ever been away from Sira and it didn’t let up! No matter how brilliantly Sira was dealing with it all, my heart ached for her and the big changes that were rocking her world. At the same time, when I was with Sira, I felt guilty that I wasn’t holding Eli all day long. I felt guilty about everything. My husband was so good at making me stop and look around and only when I did this, I realized that actually everyone was doing just fine and most of the worry was in my head. So take time to pause in the chaos and notice the good stuff. Your mental health will thank you for it.
So that’s my personal experience.. Any second time mums reading, get in touch if this resonates with you and let me know what you would add. And for expectant mums, wishing you a smooth pregnancy and journey into second time motherhood. You’ve got this!
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